Looking For Brianna

I can't believe how much I've changed in the past few months. I just read my post a few months ago, the one about love, and I'm pretty much in tears. I miss my old self. I miss being the young, innocent, naive girl that I was before all of this started. I'm not saying that I don't want to be with Andrew, but I'm saying that I want to be who I was before the feud between his family and I started. I've gotten so dark and so depressed since then and it's really bugging me. Seriously, I've noticed my path to destruction since it started, but I haven't really noticed how far I am down it until now.
No, I'm not doing any bodily harm and I'm not doing drugs or smoking. I have drank before and my mother knows, so that is not an issue. I'm just saying, I'm not doing wrong things...I'm still a good girl.
I'm just so tired of looking down on myself. I'm so tired of waking up every morning and wondering why I'm still alive. I know that I'm alive for a reason, but I just don't know what that reason is. I really want to know that reason because it'll help me to figure out my path in life.
My goal for this next year is to finally figure out what I want to do for a living, get a job and begin the journey to find myself. I am kinda pulling a Pudge from Looking For Alaska by John Green and search for the "Great Perhaps". FYI, Looking For Alaska is a fantastic book and it's probably my most favorite book ever.

The title of this blog is based off of the title of John Green's book, Looking For Alaska, which belongs to whomever owns it.